Reading and Working

My life has been full of reading lately. Once I get a good book in my hand, it consumes me until I read the last word of the last page. Nothing gets done around the house, my children eat crackers and fruit snacks for lunch and I take the minimal time possible to shower (actually I bath and read while in the tub!). What, may you ask, has hindered my life?

The first book was the next one in the series of Fablehaven. If you have not read any of these, now is the time. I do believe the latest in the series by Branden Mull was my favorite. And the book I finished at 12:00 this morning, was "The Host" by Stephanie Meyer. I really LOVED reading her "Twilight" series, but I'm a little torn- I think I like this book better. It had a whole new twist! Thankfully, I am a quick reader, so it only took me about five days to read both of them. I'm sure my children are ready to have their mother back!

Speaking of children, here are a few pictures of my little ones.

We went swimming for the first time this summer. Coral is not a big fan, but we'll keep trying!



Daniel let Coral come into his room the other day to play with him. I could not get her out of that chair. She loved being a big girl with her big brother!



And here is my one year old. Can you believe it?

Camera's In Sacrament Meeting

It has been almost four years now since I became a Mother and each year Mother's Day gets better and better.

It began with the traditional breakfast in bed and Carlo, being the thoughtful husband he is, made me eggs and toast as my stomach was still churning from the flu a few days earlier. I think the best part of breakfast in bed, was having my whole family right there with me before they went and ate. Daniel has a smile that lights up the room and Coral's laugh is straight from her toes. I have great kids.

However, I must say, the best part of the whole day was sacrament meeting. Daniel is a Sunbeam now and the Primary sang in sacrament. How I wish I could have had a camera at that moment. This was a first for our family and he was a little shy getting up there, but turned on that smile once he looked out at the ward. He even waved to me at one point and I teared up a little. The best part was- he didn't know any words (a few maybe), but that didn't stop his mouth from moving! What a showman.

"Coral's Work of Poop"

The following may be a little gut wrenching to some, so if you are easily provoked into vomiting do not read any further.

After lounging around for a few hours this morning, I finally decided it was time for Saturday cleaning. But before I began, I went to get Coral out of her crib. She had been happily playing in there for the past half hour (how I love those moments) and I knew the happy cooing would soon turn into complaining.

As soon as I opened the door, I knew the little culprit had pooped. She often does this during her morning nap, but today was a little different. I looked at my cute girl and found she had no diaper on her little behind. The poop smell in that room plus a missing diaper could only mean a big mess. I underestimated the extent of the mess. House cleaning would have to wait.

Upon closer inspection, this is what I found:

Coral had one foot standing in her poopy diaper, poop smeared all over her crib sheet, comforter, Mr. Dangles (her stuffed animal) and a few other stuffed animals she had pulled out of her toy bag. Poop was also on her crib rails and worst of all on her face and on her pacifier which she was so happily sucking on while smiling at me. Now, is it possible to be cute with poop smeared on your face?

I had no idea where to begin, and at the moment I was not finding the situation hilarious. I had just spent Thursday morning with the flu and cleaning up poop was not my stomach's idea of fun.

I carried Coral to the bath tub and ran water to clean her off and then filled the tub up to bath her. The whole time she was happy as can be and I was crying trying to find some sense of humor in the situation. It took me awhile, but the day has passed and yes, I have chuckled a few times.

Unfortunately for you fellow bloggers, I have no batteries in my camera at the moment or the glorious scene would be posted below. It would be entitled "Coral's Work of Poop." I bet right now, some of you are grateful for the minimal life span of batteries.

Post Partum Depression and Panic Attacks

The following post is for informational purpose only- not to get any form of sympathy or apologies. I have been debating for awhile about posting my experience, and as it is such a real condition, I felt it could help others. I would never wish anyone, even my worst enemy (if I had one), to go through the ordeal I did. I warn you though, the following is pretty depressing:

Before Daniel came into this world, all I wanted to do was disappear. I thought it would be nice to take a bath, sink under the water and never come up. I just assumed I was overly tired. I was working full time plus some extra hours and as happens with most women, my feet and ankles were beyond swelling capacity.

Daniel was born and I had quite a few emotional break downs in the hospital. I didn't really care to hold him, but knew this was something most mothers did. As a matter of fact, most of the things I did with Daniel those first few months were purely out of knowing it was what was expected of a new mother.

About three weeks went by and I think I probably called my mother crying each of those days. Finally, one night, I went into my bedroom, curled up in the fetal position and went to the darkest place I have ever gone. I wanted to commit suicide. I didn't care how, I just wanted to end it all. I lay on the floor trying to think of a way I could end my life with something in my bedroom. Nothing came to mind. I know Heavenly Father was keeping my mind suppressed because just a few feet away was my razor. If I would have realized it was there, I wouldn't be here today.

I finally gained some realization of what was going on and went out to speak with Carlo. He listened, but was unsure of what to do. He had been taking care of Daniel for three weeks during the night, working, going to school and dealing with a wife who was not handling things. So, I went and called my parents and told them what had happened. They were very calm about the whole thing, came and picked up Daniel for the night and told me to come over in the morning.

It was the worst feeling in the world watching them drive away, knowing I wasn't mentally able to care for my new baby. At the same time, I was more relieved than I had been in a long time.

I went to the doctors within the next few days and sat in his office while telling him what I had been going through. He hugged me and told me it would be okay. Then he prescribed anti-depressants for me. This is why I do not ever want to go to another OBGYN. He was there for me, he was understanding and he let me know I wasn't a bad mother and it would be okay. He put me on suicide watch and told my mother I needed to be watched 24-7 until the medication kicked in within the next few weeks.

Our little family moved into my parent's home for the next month and a half. My mother took care of Daniel exclusively for two weeks and only brought him to me to be nursed. After six weeks, I quit nursing. I couldn't handle the time commitment, the stress and frankly didn't have enough milk. It too was a bitter sweet relief the day I quit nursing.

I also had other family members take shifts to give my mom a break while she took care of some things of work. I am so grateful to all that helped and also to my mother's work for letting her take so much time off of work to take care of me and my baby. We were blessed.

I was on medication and was sure the road was going to get easier, but then I woke up one night with my chest caving in. I ran to the bathroom, put my head on the floor and began vomiting. I couldn't even lift my head to the toilet. I was sure I was having a heart attack and plead with my parents to call an ambulance. A few moments later I was feeling a little better and they explained to me that I had had a panic attack. This was the first of many.

I began going to counseling for my panic attacks and was blessed to learn how to deal with them in just a few sessions. It was either that or take Valium when I felt one coming on. I didn't want to function that way. I had panic attacks for over a year from that point on, but was able to feel when one was coming and keep it under control.

It was over a year before I went off of my medication and by that time my body was dependant. I went through withdrawals for two weeks. I never wanted to deal with that again. So, when I found out I was pregnant with Coral, I vowed I wouldn't take anti depressants again, even though the doctor advised me to do so with each pregnancy. After alot of prayers, blessings and pondering, I decided to go on the meds before I went into labor. This was a very hard decision for me, but I didn't want to go through post partum depression again, let alone put my family through that one more time. I think they all breathed a sigh of relief when I popped that first pill in my mouth.

So, after Coral was born, we were all anxious to see if it would be a repeat even with the medication. I asked my mom to hold Coral when I first saw her and my mom began to panic thinking it was starting all over again. I had done the same thing with Daniel. This time, I was just shaking so bad that I didn't want to give her baby shaking syndrome! I probably wouldn't have, but it was hard to hold still after the surgery (c-section).

It's a year later, I went off medication when Coral was five months and life is well. I already want another baby and look forward to the next experience- even with having to go on anti-depressants again. Babies really are a blessing and I know that now! I have had the worst and best experience and I pray no one else ever has to suffer what I did. Thankfully I am not one of those mommies who hurt her baby or even was able to go through with suicide- as I know of someone who did commit suicide due to post partum depression. It is very real and very scary.

I share this to let others know that I have struggled in my life and it is okay. I have made it through this trial. I can talk about it. I want people to know about it. I want to help others. Don't be afraid to ask me any questions- I'm very open about my experience. I only hope Daniel will understand when he is older and does not blame himself. I love him no less.

I'll never forget the day my dad softly commented, "You are laughing again. I know it's going to be okay now." Since then, I try to make laughter a part of my every day.

Coral's Birthday & Other Stuff

Daniel started crying the other day and asked me how much longer it would take before he could grow up and be a fireman. He was pretty distraught. Isn't it funny how all we want to do is grow up and then when we do we just want to be young and carefree again?

I now have a one year old little girl. I can still remember the day (the day before Daniel's second birthday to be exact) when a friend asked me if I was pregnant because I had that "glow." I told her she was crazy. The next day I took a test out of curiosity and then began crying. I was pregnant and it was a complete surprise.

Even with the surprise, Coral is one of the best things that has happened to me. I knew there was another little spirit waiting for us. It may have been never, if she hadn't surprised us. After post partum depression and almost committing suicide with Daniel, I really had no desire to have another baby.

This is why I have felt so blessed for the past year. I never understood why mothers loved their newborn babies so much and could hold them for hours, until I had Coral. She is the reason I understand this pure love from the beginning. Poor Daniel. I often feel bad for him that we never had that immediate connection.

Well, that is all a little too depressing . . . Coral is one! Here are some pictures of her cake and her at the party. She was very entertaining. She would walk around the room and just smile at everyone. She knew she was the reason for the celebration. Oh girls . . . They sure know how to put on a show.

Oh, and I had her wear palm trees on her head because I made her a monkey cake. She was a monkey in a tree! Oh, I think I am so clever. She sleeps with a monkey, so hence the theme.







Thanks to all who came. Coral loves her presents! And only one of you out of seventeen voted to open presents in private. We opted to open them at the party.